Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
