Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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