Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
