Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
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