you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I would fuck him just for his dog
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
