he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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