My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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