Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
