In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
