I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't make out with my wife yet
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
