So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
40s are totally the cure
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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