Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
