ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
