her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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