its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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