who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
