I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
