Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
