I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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