What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
