Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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