If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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