why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
