Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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