Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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