There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
