Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
