You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
