Umm I'm too high to move.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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