I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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