I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
