you turned your livingroom into a bong?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
