I think I won the penis lottery.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize