3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize