I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
