I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
