people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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