Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
