Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
