I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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