and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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