I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
