I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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