I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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