you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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