If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sex in the backyard? Check.
dude. I can hear the air.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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