when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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