I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
