guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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