'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
