Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just high enough for therapy.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
