You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
