You're my little dorito
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
