my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
