dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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