Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
