Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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