And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
